The weight is over?

I have come to the realization of something very important about myself this year. Probably the most important thing I need to deal with in my life, unfortunately. I say unfortunately because it makes me sad that so much of my life has revolved around this problem, years and years and years. I have a very bad carb/sugar addiction problem.

It is every bit as bad as someone on heroine or meth I believe. I have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette so I don't know first hand about that method of addiction but I do know enough that my symptoms and the process seems the same. If I eat fast food, any fast food, it is addictive. I know that I can not eat fast food and stop and the effects last for days, weeks. I've actually known this about myself and fast food for several years. What I did not realize was the extent to how certain foods that aren't even fast food have this super powerful affect on my brain.

I witnessed the power first hand when I decided to try a detox diet for a week after not having any results at the gym. I drank Jay Robb protein shakes (sweetened w/Stevia) 2 a day and ate fruit every 2 hours and then ate chicken and salad and veggies for dinner. After staying on it 5 days I was amazed that I had lost 10 pounds and I had willpower of steel as a side effect. That last part about the willpower is not even accurate, more like no desire for over consumption. I could walk into the yogurt shop with Dan and sit there and not order anything and have done it 6 more times since and it was easy. My brain is totally different off of refined sugar and bread/flour carbs. It is in control and not freaking out. If I even eat just a little fast food or candy or fluffy crust it's like I have a raging beast inside my head drooling for more, more, more all day.

Since the 5 days on Jay Robb, I had to add back in some carbs because I had very frighteningly low amounts of energy. Trying to add back in some carbs was tricky. I was trying to add some that weren't addictive to my body. I've added back in plain rice with olive oil and some seaweed sprinkle and some sprouted grains that don't seem to bother me. I'm also trying to go as much gluten free as I can to see if it helps. Every day is kind of like a trial, if I eat something and feel fine then I know it's OK and if I eat something and I'm craving (not hungry but craving) all day, I need to not eat that food any more.

So far, I have lost another 5 pounds on top of the 10. I still have a long long way to go but I feel like I at least have something to work with. I'm hoping it is something I can live with now that I know it about myself. I don't want this to be a "diet" or see it as dieting, it's more like being fully aware of what certain foods do to me and being fully aware of the choices I'm making and how they affect my life/body/weight. Certain foods just trigger a sickness and to stay well I have to eat the right foods. It all fascinates me, the psychology of addiction, relapse, breaking cycles, etc. I'm thankful for learning these things about myself and hope that I use the info well.

I totally feel like I'm still white knuckling it sometimes still. Holidays and family get-togethers are big big challenges for me that I have yet to figure out. I have conquered the yogurt shop though, so that's something and my diet overall is much improved. I hope that this year I can continue to clean up my diet and finally get out of this nightmarish situation that has taken so many years of my life that could have been so so much better.

I can't even imagine what my life would be like without a weight problem at this point. Even when I have been skinny I have still been "sick", maybe there is no cure only proper management of the problem. So that's also part of my therapy is imagining it several times a day. I think to myself, what would this be like and what would I feel like or look like doing this or that. Getting my mind straight and preparing it to accept change is another thing I'm working on, it's like trying to prepare the soil for something new to grow. Sometimes it can be really scary to see yourself different, see yourself with out the "illness" if you've been sick long enough and imagine what your life would be like without it. I believe this is a really really powerful mental exercise for healing, seeing yourself healed in your mind over and over until it becomes reality.